If you are disturbed by graphic descriptions of human deterioration, you should read no further: I feel an irresistible urge to descend once more the underworld where human frailty is writ large and intimations of mortality are ubiquitous. You have been warned.
I struggle to explain why I find them so fascinating. I could blame it on my mother whose very modest bookshelf was populated solely with titles like Better Sight without Glasses, The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, and the St John's Ambulance First Aid Manual.
In comparison, MegaMail-world is a benign and tranquil place. Fill in an order form, post a cheque, and in a trice help is on your doorstep. In MegaMail-World there’s a gadget to fix every problem - even rare phobias like the dread of cheese graters, squashed bananas or Moth Balls that are not of the "Everlasting" type. From the privacy of your own home you can order up anything from a Jumbo Pack of Corn Pads or a Handy Jack and Jill Portable Urinal Set (sorry), to Super S-T-R-E-T-C-H Belts and Instant Aprons which Slip on and off in a Second.
If you are keen to enjoy your ability to Sit in Comfort for Long Periods while you still can, MegaMail has a vast collection of labour-saving devices too. There are gadgets which will Firm & Tone Your Tummy While You Watch TV and assist you to Slice Cheese with Ease, Clean Your Toilet Without Bending, Dispense Toothpaste With Just One Touch, and Repair Small Dents Yourself.
MegaMail delivers fun and amusement into lives blighted by Sagging Mattresses and bra straps that Cut In. After all, life’s not meant to be all struggle and heartbreak. A sentiment MegaMail expresses so well – “Why Wring Your Mop When You Can Spin It?” Yes, everyone should have the ability to “Turn Snacks into an Inviting Centrepiece” at their next dinner party or track of what remains of their lifespan with a clock which “Meows on the Hour”. Unless of course all that hourly meowing makes them wish euthanasia was legal in New Zealand.
I’ve just placed an order with MegaMail myself. I hope it will help when I’m struggling to write articles or columns of a certain size. According to MegaMail it will Inflate Anything, Anywhere, In an Instant.