Apparently, something like 100,000 thoughts pass through the human mind each day. That’s a lot of through-traffic even if 90% of the thoughts are pedestrian in the extreme. Where’s my other sock? What’s the time? I’m dying for a cup of tea. Must put toothpaste on the shopping list. That kind of thing. Over and over and over.

The SPCA recently launched HOWL, a helpline for abused dogs which integrates Google Translate with the latest in Canine Voice Recognition software. Dogs can now report ill-treatment, and access rescue services by telephone.  The Dog used this technology to compose his first contribution to The Grey Urbanist.

Guest Columnist

A Las Vegas woman 's body - crushed under piles of junk in her home - was not discovered until four months after she’d been reported missing. In spite of the fact that police sniffer dogs had searched the house, and that her husband still lived in it. The Hoarder Gene killed her.

Is your kitchen drawer a repository of half-empty matchboxes, bits of string, rubber bands, jar lids, screws, dried-up ballpoint pens, corks and bottle caps, unidentified keys, scraps of Xmas paper and those little scribble pads that real estate agents send you?  If so, you may carry the recently identified Hoarder Gene. Researchers believe that the gene is a legacy of our Palaeolithic hunter-gatherer ancestors and affects the behaviour of a significant proportion of the modern population. People in whom the gene is dominant, are strongly predisposed to collect objects from their environment and store them as a hedge against future shortage or calamity.

Sample Questions from  The Hoarder Gene  Discovery & Diagnostic Tool Can you still walk into your walk-in pantry? Is there enough room in your garage to park a car? Can you locate your car in the garage? At what age did you begin began renting an off-site storage facility? Are you plagued by irrational thoughts that arson may be the only way to de-clutter your:-            sitting room /  home office/  dog’s kennel? Thousands of years ago, the Hoarder Gene prompted useful survival behaviours like gathering plant materials for food, fire and shelter, and hunting wild animals for meat and clothing. Ironically, in the 21st century, it seems the gene may actually be endangering our personal survival.

Unnoticed by anyone but me, an elephant walked into the room, with a folding stool under his arm. 
He wore a tutu-like frill of pink tulle around his ample waist and his head sprouted a cascade of feathers held in place by a diamante-studded chinstrap. He unfolded the stool, and very daintily lowered his wrinkled grey  bottom onto it. Then the elephant draped his trunk over his chubby grey knees and just sat there.

My family tree has exceedingly stunted branches - one boozy, Irish and Catholic, the other teetotal, English and tepidly Protestant. Childhood Christmases were therefore a muddle of Orange and Green attempts at festivity, neither of which were much fun. My worst Christmas was NOT the one at which I was served a slice of my own finger after impetuously reaching for a piece of turkey while it was being carved.