Donald Trump’s inauguration as King of the United States and Dear Leader of the Free World is planned to coincide with his 70th birthday on the 14th of June next year. The White House, which has been renamed The Trump White House Tower and undergone extensive renovations, will reopen on the same day.
Ever since the wall went up Washington has been plagued by the din and dust of 24-hour demolition and construction on the 7.3-hectare White House site and the roads have been clogged with cavalcades of Trump trucks and delivery vans. The exact nature of the work going on behind the wall has been shrouded in secrecy. Consequently, the site is under siege by hordes of reporters, supporters, protesters and tourists. Outbreaks of anti—Democrat violence in the area have been blamed on the NRA Hospitality Tent which has been supplying free Trump Vodka to pro-Trump gun lobbyists in the crowd. However, Trump’s Militia, distinguished by their unusual comb-over hair style and gold-braided uniforms claim that all shootings have been “justified” and that the victims were “asking for it”.
But the dust has, finally, settled: traffic flows are back to normal in Washington and shootings in the capital have fallen to pre-election levels. Although there were blackouts across the U.S. when the lights were first turned on in the new multi-storied White House, normal power supply was soon restored. When the Trump Gold Phallus was craned triumphantly into place atop the skyscraper last week, the Trump White House Tower officially became the world’s tallest building.
Now that the exterior of the building has been revealed, public curiosity has turned to the interior. It’s widely believed that Peter York, author of Dictators' Homes: Lifestyles of the World's Most Colourful Despots is to be the interior designer. In his book Mr York defined “despotic decor” (or “what happens when people with absolute power and absolute resources have their way with buildings and interiors”) by analysing photographs of the homes of Hitler, Gaddafi, and Stalin. If Mr York is indeed decorating the new White House, we can expect the usual gold taps, acres of marble, mirror and chandeliers but we should also expect enormous lord-of-all-I-survey oil portraits of President Trump, and plenty of power symbolisms in the form of lion and eagle statuary, leopard skin floor rugs and animal heads on the wall.
There are rumours that the first ten floors of the new Trump White House Tower are to be occupied by a shopping mall devoted exclusively to Trump products and services. Insiders say that current plans include a Trump Steak Steak House, a 24-hour emergency plastic surgery clinic and a shop selling Trump fragrances including Success “a masculine combination of rich vetiver, tonka bean, Birchwood and musk” and Empire “the perfect accessory for the confident man determined to make his mark with passion, perseverance and drive”.
Rumours also hint at a barbershop specialising in hard-to-manage hair and industrial strength hairspray. There may even be a public skating rink: Trump already manages both of the skating rinks in New York’s Central Park.
The oddest and most disquieting rumour to surface is that Trump Cryogenics Inc. aims to reanimate the corpse of Marilyn Munroe so that she can reprise her “Happy Birthday Mr President” number for Mr Trump, at his combined birthday and inauguration party. To keep the nation entertained until that big bash on the 14th of June, the Trumpettes, a bevy of blond, silicone-breasted pole dancers (all of whom hold advanced degrees from Trump University) perform on the lawn in front of the Trump White House Tower every week-day between 10am and 4pm.
In her biography Hillary Clinton talked of a running joke she shared with her husband Bill Clinton, who at the time was the U.S. president. It revolved around the old Chinese curse “May you live in interesting times”. She and Bill would ask each other “well, are you having an interesting time yet?”
And here she is, years later, having a very interesting time indeed. But it’s no laughing matter.